Oh, Lord, I'm struggling

Napakahirap talaga nito...yung feeling na gustung gusto mo talaga makausap ang isang wonderful na friend...kaya lang because of certain circumstances eh hindi pwede. I need to pray and pray and pray to God to help me...I can't keep on like this.

Purely Pure

Earlier this week I stayed up late reading Eric and Leslie Ludy's book "When God Writes Your Love Story." I didn't realize on how much I need a refresher in the area of love life!

The Lord really convicted me (through Dad and the book! haha) that I have not been putting Him above my girl desire. I had become so concerned about keeping my standards high, and making sure I wasn't emotionally pulled in by any young man, that I forgot to maintain my relationship with the Lord.

I was reading in the staff room at work this morning, when I heard two of my coworkers talking about how they disagreed with another staff member not allowing her son to sleep over at a girl's place, even though the girl and her son were going to be in separate rooms. I overheard my coworkers saying how that it's normal that young people now lose their virginity early in their lives, then began talking of when they lost theirs. I could just feel every part of my being loathe such talk. How wrong! How totally rebellious to God's perfect plan for true love! How selfish, and how sinful! It just grieved my heart to think that immorality is now the norm. Yes, it's the norm...the norm of a hopeless life without God.

I'm now reading "Emotional Purity" by Heather Arnel Paulsen, and am coming more and more under conviction that purity after God's own heart is more than physical purity. Purity starts in the heart...and in the guarding of one's emotions. Proverbs 4:23 is coming alive to me, and God is truly burning it into my mind and heart. While reading, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed, and feel a twinge of sorrow and loathing that I actually have not guarded my heart vigilantly enough. Purity means a purity of heart, body, and soul...and by God's grace this is what I strive for in my singlehood...reserving myself for my "Prince Charming." ;)

By the way, I hate that term "Prince Charming." Haha.

Identity Crisis at Twenty-Three?

Tonight we had a creation scientist guest speaker from BJU. Afterwards, all the people just mingled around and chatted and laughed. First off, I had a little cuddle of baby Marissa, then wandered into the kitchen to get a cupcake and a hot mug of tea. In coming back to the auditorium, I sat down behind a group of younger girls. I think it's subconsciously that the girls got up and went to the kitchen to get a bite to eat. That was fine, but that made me feel awkward, because I was now sitting alone. So I found another group of girls, and started chatting with them. That was fine.

Then a while later, I found myself talking with one of the fathers of the church, who was just recovering from a serious back injury. We talked quite a while, then I excused myself to wash up my mug in the kitchen. I passed a large group of young people, and listened to them talking and laughing. By the time I'd finished washing up the mugs, Dad was calling us to go home. Things got a bit delayed, so I just hung around the back of the circle of the young people. I felt awkward to just step in there.

At the car, one of the young people gave a cheery comment to one of my sisters before driving off. That made me feel more awkward.

On the way home, I was quiet. Tonight I realized again that I hung around more the married people and the babies. I couldn't seem to fit in with the young people very well. I never really have. But why did I have to "fit in" better with the young couples and babies?? I like it, because I am more around their age...but still...I'm not married, neither have my own children.

So where do I really fit in?

In this sort of situation, I wish that I was in the Philippines, because at least there they have young people who do not get married till in their mid-twenties or later. Hahaha wishful thinking. Oh well.

Even though I don't really know where I fit best in my church, I just hope and pray that I will find fulfillment in warming many a lonely person, and encourage them to find comfort in the Lord.

So I guess...in the end...I have found my identity.

Somtimes I Wonder...

Sometimes I wonder, Lord, where will I be in 5 years from now? Married? Graduated? Single? Working? Traveling? Serving You in the Philippines? Or in Australia?

Not that I'm worried...I'm past that stage. :) I'm taking one step at a time because I'm loving life as it is. God is good, and He is all I need! I'm just asking...because I'm curious?

Sometimes I feel like a little child who wants to peek into the last chapters of an exciting story, to see the happy ending. But God keeps reminding me to trust in Him, and wait on Him, for He will surely direct my paths! I know that everything that God allows in a believer's life is for his or her growth and for His glory. And because of this, I know I can trust in Him! Sometimes, though, like a child, it would be nice to juuuust have one little peek? ;)

And sometimes...God does allow heartache and sorrow in a believer's life. At the time, I don't see it as a good thing; however, in the end I know that God has a wonderful purpose for it. Ultimately, that wonderful purpose is the happy ending to a beautiful story.

Sometimes...I'm random, I know. Hahaha.

Random Reminiscing

First I had so much to write about, but now that I've actually sat down...I don't know what to share.

Let's just say that I'm so glad that the Lord brought me to the Philippines again! I did so enjoy myself. It can't be said that I did a lot of sightseeing, but wouldn't have been able to get around much anyway since my relatives were working during the week, and I was not allowed to commute by myself anywhere. :) I was very excited, though, that I was able to visit friends in Lucena and in Dolores. I'll always remember the good times sitting under sound preaching, or around a simple but delicious Filipino meal! I was able to practice my Tagalog until I felt like my tongue was quite twisted. Hahaha.

With my relatives, we went swimming in Los Banos two times, one for a family get-together, and another time for my little sister's eighth birthday. It was cute how that my cousins were mostly eight years old and under! We had fun splashing each other in the pool, or singing karaoke. I found it rather nice to know that my knowledge of secular songs rather narrow! My little cousins' and my little siblings' were even narrower, as we adults heard "Happy Birthday" and "Bahay Kubo" sung over and over and over again, as they competed for the highest score.

We also did a lot of shopping, in MOA, SM Sta.Rosa, SM Las Pinas, and Divisoria. I absolutely loved shopping! I also went book happy at Philippine Christian Book Store. :) I found several books that I've had heard in Australia are good, but never had the time to look for them. And when I went overweight in my luggage, I made sure that none of my books were going to be left behind! Now back home, I'm poring over them while I don't have to study yet.

Of all the food in the Philippines, the three things I miss the most are Chowking halo halo, green mango, and buko shake. Oh, and sinigang with plenty of kangkong. Hahaha. If I could just have them here in Australia all the time, I'd be forever happy. :P

I was so blessed to be able to catch up with my grandparents, cousins, aunties, uncles, and friends. It was good to just be able to talk about what was laying on your heart, and encourage one another...or simply hang out for fun. :) My sisters were teasing me that I was texting all the time again, which I'm glad to say wasn't totally true! Well, at least compared to three years ago, I am more disciplined now. :P Whatever.

I had an absolutely great time in the Philippines. And I'm coming back for sure! Maybe nexttime it'll be for a year? :)